Drew

Here we go! Number four!!!!

So my first love just came to visit me. His name is Drew. Drew and I first met my sophomore year in highschool. He actually found me online on blackplanet.com and reached out to me through that. It just so happened, though, that he and I had mutual friends.

Drew is my stereotypical guy. He is tall and light skin. No offense to my darker guys, but I went through a period in my adolsence where the yellower you were, the more I was attarcted to you. This was also around the time when Chris Brown (who I still think is GORGEOUS!) had just made an appearance on the music scene and Drew in some manners resembles him. Needless to say, it did not take long for me to fall for him.

However, when I met Drew, I was already in what I thought was a relationship. I never told him this though because my "boyfriend" lived in Brooklyn and I never saw him so to me we were only together when we spoke. Drew had asked me to be his girlfriend about two times before I actually said yes. Once it was on his birthday and he was so high, I felt badly accepting because I wondered if it really meant anything at all.

By the end of sophomore year, Drew had sort of fallin off the map. I still hadn't accept being his girlfriend and we did not speak as much. Until my friend, who was also a friend of his, had invited us both to her sweet sixteen. I had spoken to Drew online and asked if he as going and he told me that he was. Then he asked me to be his date for the party. I accepted and was excited. I HAD to get a new dress and everything because I couldn't let him see me not looking my best.

At the party though, we danced only once and he spent most of the evening outside talking to another girl, who didn't like me very much but really liked him. I thought that that was the end of Drew and I until he reached out to me a few days later, explaining he had no interest in that girl. He and I spent the summer constantly on the phone and when we weren't on the phone, we were texting non-stop. So much so that my mother was furious with me when she saw the cell phone bill.

Finally, one night while texting eachother when I should have been asleep, he sent me one of the sweetest texts I've ever recieved. He said quite simply, "Noelle, would you be my sweetheart?" And this time, I said yes with no hesitation at all. So on July 22, 2006, Drew became my official boyfriend. And I was the happiest girl in the world. The rest of the summer went by quickly, although I didn't see him. But, on the first day back to school, he came to see me and we shared our first kiss right there in front of his friends.

For the first month, I was in heaven. He came everyday afterschool to see me and we'd spend about two hours just making out in the train station. Teenage love affairs aren't always very subtle. Then, one of the biggest events of my life happened. On October 16, 2006, I lost my virginity. The wole thing was unplanned yet I knew it'd happen when he came over. I won't get into details about it. My friends know the story. But by the end of it I had a broken light fixture in my room and he had blood on the collar of his shirt. I'll let you use your imaginations. At that moment, I knew I loved him. And I knew we'd last. But as I wrote at the beginning of the blog, Drew is now my ex.

About two weeks after he and I had sex, things fell apart. Another mutal friend of ours had a sweet sixteen and he went. I couldn't go because I was in trouble and was grounded. I heard he was the life of the party though. After the party, however, his behavior really began to change. He stood me up after school, and he stopped calling as much. I knew something was wrong. Needless to say my friends and I figured that he was only in it for the sex and now that he got it, it was over. Then, the stories of the party began to really surface. I was informed that he was high and drunk at the party and being quite friendly with another girl there. It was also said that he was heard telling the girl, "you're gonna make me cheat on my girlfriend."

Now, I'm not one to accuse off of he said, she said, so I simply asked him how the party was and if he behaved. He responded with "Of coarse, Boo." and I let it go. Then, one Saturday night, what seemed to be at the time my entire world, came crashing down. My friend that had the sweet sixteen over the summer had called me and told me that Drew had cheated on me at the party with the girl that everyone told me about that was with him at the party.

When I tell you that I could not breathe, I literally mean it. My chest felt as though it was about to cave in. Even now, two years later, Tears still come to my eyes when I remember it. I was filled with feelings of hate, saddness, betrayal and stupidity. How could he do that? How could I have trusted him and given him the most precious thing I had to offer and he throw it away? So many questions and feelings hit me at one time it was hard to think straight.

Then there was the girl. I wanted her dead. I wanted her to feel how much I was hurting. She was bragging about what they had done and knew that I was his girlfriend. She would have to pay for that. Its one thing to not know, its quite another to know and not care.

I broke up with him the very next day. But I never really let him go. We had even tried to get back together but I learned that he and the girl had started seeing eachother. It was then I made my first attempt at cutting him off.

After Drew, my choices when it came to guys weren't the best. I even ended up messing with someone who had a girlfriend and basically doing the same that had been done to me. It was terrible. No one was Drew. I couldn't shake him. Once he even called out of the blue but I was still hurting too much to be civil towards him. He apologized and we tried to be friends but in the back of my mind I knew it was impossible. I even schemed to have sex with him and let the girl find out so that they both could feel a tenth of what I had felt and had been feeling for almost a year.

Two years later, Drew and I are now friends and I've gotten over him being with that girl. They just made two years together. But, while I was at school, he and I spoke and I told him that I love him and I always have and probably always will. He told me he had felt the same and never told me because he was afraid. Needless to say old feelings came rushing back and we were back to calling eachother "boo" and acting as though he didn't have a girlfriend at all.

But I know the truth and so does he. Which is why I've decided that it might be time to close that chapter of my life. I love him but, this isn't healthy. To sit and watch him love someone else is too much for me. Sure he says he loves me too, but, he doesn't love me enough to leave her for me. And even still, would that even work? I'm away at school and he is still here.

Drew is one of those people in your life that u can never get out of your system no matter what. But those people aren't always the best thing for you. I would say that if I am Carrie Bradshaw, Drew is Mr. Big. But he is only Mr. Big in the sense that I can never let him go and that everytime he comes back around, I forgive him and let him back in. The whole getting married after ten years of back and forth part doesn't seem realistic at all. How can i ever be happy with someone else when I keep comparing them to what he and I had, even if it was short lived. I even feel some times that the chance to actually see where we'd end up was taken away from me.

I've said to him that everything happens for a reason and that if he and I hadn't broken up, he wouldn't be as happy as he is now with his girlfriend but its actually me trying to convince myself. Is it really fair that after everything, I'm still alone and he's happy?

Tonight wasn't a long visit. I was literally 5 minutes or less. He came an I gave him his Christmas gift and we said good bye. I don't know if I'm ready for that to have been our finaly goodbye but I know I have to take a step towards "I'll see you later"

~Noelle